I Hump Huckabees

So I didn't get to see I Heart Huckabees this weekend because I checked the time on Thursday and forgot to change the date to Friday:(

Halloween was fun. Went out with some Phis to M Street's bar crawl and there were some creative costumes out there. One kid had a blank posterboard both in front and in back of him. I asked him what he was and he was paper. His friends were rock and scissors. He said later in the night, he would jump over rock. Some guy had a pear on his crotch and sponges all over his shirt. He was despair and something else that I forget. If you know what the sponges were, please let me know. I was a hula girl. Throughout the night, guys would say "Aloha!" as if I would run over and hump them as a result of it. Add that to the list of why guys aren't very bright.

I ran a mile with Megan today in the Marine Corp Marathon. Go Megan!! I never realized how fun marathons were. Everyone was cheering and had signs and several runners were dressed up. It was a great supportive atmosphere. And Megan was a speedy little demon! She was passing everyone in her 19th mile! Word to wise-when out drinking the night before running, obtain hydration before doing so! Beer + running = Not the smartest thing to do. But I only did a mile so it was fine.

Oh yes, so since I never see the light of day due to school and the eratic east coast weather, I am pale and no one wants to see pale legs. So I broke out the self tanner that I haven't used since the days of my college formals. Remind me to write an ode to self tanner at a later date that I am feeling more creative. I had forgotten how wonderful self tanner is! My legs looked tan and all it took was a little lotion! But beware, as some self tanners have a strange little odor a little remini"scent" of puppy pee. I learned that the hard way, in front of cute crew boys. Murphy's law #214.

The Great Red Hope

I dubbed last year "The year of the redheads." Recall Nick from The Apprentice, John Stevens from American Idol, and just a heightened existence of redheads in the pop cultural air.

Last night, the Red Sox just broke their so-called curse and won the World Series.

What will next year bring? Cincinnati? Commies? Hmmm...

More importantly, what did all those Sox signs say?
Some examples:
Never lose hope.
Keep hope alive.

What is the Kerry 2004 mantra?
Hope is on the way.

Where are the Sox from? Boston. Who is a former Boston DA? John Kerry.

Who did Boston beat to get to the World Series? New York Yankees. Why do the Yankees usually win? Money. Who usually wins because he has twice as much fundraising money as any candidate in history? W. What happened in New York? September 11. Who talks only about September 11? W. Who lost before the world series? Texas. Who's from Texas? W.

Chaos Theory: Underlying seemingly random occurances, there is order.

Conspiracy?

Why do all things come in threes?

Kharma
Holy Trinity
Stooges
Muskateers
The Axis of Evil
Bush's Evil Triumvirate (Cheney, Ashcroft, Rove)
Triplets
The number of the beast

Apparently, it's all things that are in the battle of good and evil.

Great Website

Got an extra minute? Go to:

http://www.ifilm.com/viralvideo?ifilmid=2653646

and watch some funny clips. I particularly recommend Triumph: Poop Valhalla.
Thanks to Cheryl for introducing me to the site.

Kim Jong Il in Heels

Madeleine Albright related to us last night on The Daily Show that she was as tall as Kim Jong Il when both were standing next to each other in heels. As I believe Madeleine Albright may be shorter than even I, I believe I am taller than the craziest dictator in the world!!

On to more pressing matters: One more reason not to vote for the incumbent president right now is his administration's failure to act on the dangerous situation in North Korea. Why, full well realizing that North Korea is the most isolated country in the world and one of the most dangerous and easily the most unpredictable, would the administration never meet with any North Korean ambassadors? Has anyone in the Bush administration even read one article about North Korea?

I can speak about this, because I have read at least one article about North Korea, and because they're my people--no, not the Bushies, but the commies. Since both sets of my grandparents escaped from North Korea over 50 years ago, and since my mom's oldest brother is still trapped there, I hold some interest in the goings on way over east and above the 38th parallel.

I have watched the History Channel's documentaries on North Korea and its miniature pincher dictator. Many try to explain his eccentric behavior and account for his strange psychological paranoia. And although their explanations are correct, I would merely like to question why it would be hard to understand his pysche? All any of these historians and political analysts had to do was come ask me! I mean, come on!! I grew up with a father who was the only son of a wealthy businessman. I grew up with an older brother who was the only son. I have cousins who are the only sons. I am Korean. I am Asian. Any of the over billions of Asians in this world can tell you about the cultural notions of only sons. People in China aren't killing baby girls for no reason. Sorry to depress you, but it's just another aspect of the sexism of cultures. (And do not delude yourself into thinking sexism doesn't occur in every single culture in the entire world!!) Boys are revered. Only sons are revered. Then add to that, your dad is the dictator of a country, an idealogue, and a war hero, and you'll definitely grow up with quite a bit of an egomaniacal complex with an inferiority-Tom Cruise Maverick in Top Gun and Danny Kaffe in A Few Good Men, W to George H, dad was a war hero, smarter, taller, better liked guy-complex folded in. Next springle in some isolation and out of the oven comes paranoia!

(Side note, I can also tell you a little about when the son is an artist and not as shrewd as the father.)

Jong Il's psychology is not exactly a mystery. Figure it out folks!

Sorry this wasn't funny. "I'm not your monkey."

Oh yeh, and it's not easy being short. People always try to throw you around and flip you upside down as if we're fun circus clowns to make you laugh.

Fun Fact of the Day

Did you know?

Large and normal sized liquor bottles are barred in South Carolina by its State Constitution. Only miniature liquor bottles, like the ones that gnomes drink from, are allowed. So in bars, there are hundreds of miniature liquor bottles that bartenders mix from. Alcoholic gnome heaven.

(Fun fact of the day courtesy of the Daily Show)

Word of the Year

Popinjay-- a vain and talkative person

Example: The hosts of television debate shows are always popinjays.

Fun with Sexual Harassment

In the of storied tradition of Clarence Thomas, porn's greatest advocate for bestiality, comes Bill O'Reilly!!

Please read the complaint charging O'Reilly with sexual harassment on www.thesmokinggun.com. All of the relevant details are marked with red arrows.

I would like to take just a minute and provide y'all with a little background on our splotchy little "Independent" friend:

Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had

signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by

leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes,

concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips.

He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most

sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties

down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside

her, moving rapidly.

This is an excerpt, courtesy of Al Franken in Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them (I highly recommend this book. Great bathroom reading and great reading in general. This book does what Michael Moore only tried to do with Fahrenheit 9/11.) O'Reilly wrote this and what I assume to be other torrid scenes in his as recent as 1998 book entitled, Those Who Trespass. (Strangely enough, it is summarized as being about a " serial killer who will exact revenge on everyone who has sabotaged his rising TV career." Interesting choice of career, don't you think?)

Now, this does not sound like something a man who enjoys good phone sex would write!

(I would like to dedicate this short blog to Kenneth Starr, who first introduced me to pornographic writing when I was a freshman in college. How very telling that I gained my knowledge of the lurid not through friends or Hollywood, but through government reports?)

Callifonia, Almighty State of Calliflower

Approximately one year and one week ago, I sent text messages to all of my friends in California, reminding them to vote against the gubernatorial recall election, fearful of what would happen with a barbarian named Conan, who is not a pasty Irish man with orange hair, as governor of the most important state in this union.

Imagine my surprise when today, I innocently logged on to CNN.com to get my daily nugget of news, expecting the usual picture of a bombing or homeless mugshot of some rogue dictator/drugged out actor, and instead faced a happy Governator triumphantly having endorced a bill to fund stem cell research. What made me happy is how the article discussed how he was bucking Republican leaders and how this decision places him at odds with the Bush administration. For the first time, I was proud of my Hollywood governor. And after an instant of reflection, I thought to myself, "Yes! This is great! I'm actually happy that Arnold is my governor!" I'm glad he can stand up to the hypocrisy of the "Moral Right." (God, that's an oxymoron if I ever saw one!!)

This further strengthens my belief that being a Republican is okay, as long as you're what I call a "California Republican." In fact, a "California Republican" seems to me to be very similar to a "New Democrat." Unless you're an Orange County Republican, in which case you're just like an Orlando Republican. And if you want to know what that is, please refer to the current Rolling Stone featuring Jonny Stewart on its cover.

God Bless California--home of movies, fresh fruit, sun, the beach, and yours truly.

Questions

If you know the answers to any of my questions, please let me know!

-Why do Trey Parker and Matt Stone hate the Baldwins so much?
-In DC, kids dress like old people. In LA, old people dress like kids. Which is worse?
-How exactly does the ratings system work? Full frontal female nudity: You can get a rating of R. Full frontal male nudity: Gets you an NC-17 rating. Full frontal African-American male nudity: Lets you have R rating. Puppet nudity? NC-17. Puppet golden shower? NC-17. Puppet neutered sex? Rated R. I repeat, How exactly does the ratings system work??
-The words of The OC theme song are really happy. So why is the singer so angsty?

Jon Stewart v. Tucker Carlson

So with all the hullabaloo over the bickering on Stewart's Friday night jaunt on Cross-Fire, I actually just watched the clip, courtesy of the slowly sinking AOL. First, all the articles written about the incident seemed a little exagerated and misguided. Either, these journalists viewed a wholly different episode than I did, or they viewed the episode with preconceived notions about all of the actors involved. My guess is the latter.

I say this because of my second point: basically everything Jon said was correct. Now as some may know, I too have my own biases. I do not hide the fact that I greatly esteem Jon Stewart, or, as I lovingly refer to him, my second husband. But trying to be an impartial viewer, didn't his critique of national debate and news shows strike the drum of honesty so deeply, that it went back in time to Matthew McConaughey beating bongos outside his Austin home in the nude, causing constructive interference? (Sorry, I just wanted an excuse to add in a nice image of a nude Matthew McConaughey.)

Moreover, why all of a sudden is all of the responsibility to ask the hard questions and to get the real answers from US presidential candidates falling on the shoulders of a comedian with a self-proclaimed news parody show that airs after puppets making crank phone calls? Although there is a bit of irony in The Daily Show making fun of Kerry's appearance on Regis and Kelly as a prime example of shows throwing softballs at politicians. Nonetheless, I'm sure that was not lost on the writers at The Daily Show and that Jon Stewart realizes that it's not the job of Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa to ask the hard hitting questions for the rest of America. This was exactly what Tucker Carlson so sadly failed to realize and what Stewart tried to make him understand. Apparently, Tucker continues to think that his preppy good looks and fiery passion will blind us to his dogmatic ignorance. Just because he wears adorably dapper bowties and possesses chestnut waves flowing to his puppy dog blue eyes and-oh wait, where was I? I forgot to buy a red onion at the market today. Oh yeh, Crossfire.

After the ramble, my point is this--Jon Stewart is infallible. Really though, these 250 word internet news articles are doing exactly what news should not be doing--sensationalizing facts. I understand trying to make things interesting, but be careful with those adjectives and even those adverbs!! And more importantly, news and debate shows like Crossfire are failing us. They aren't having any honest debate. The media is acting as a pawn to politicians. Are you reading this Ann Coultier? The media is not some super secret left wing propaganda machine (If it was, it wouldn't be doing a good job at the secret part-no?). It's just some teenage boy's left hand, ya know?

America, Fuck yeh.